What the fuck are you doing here?
Uh... uh...
Do you have a minute?
What do you want?
Dad!
Joey, get back in the car.
Just want to talk.
All right.
Let's talk.
Pearl, we got company.
Mister, you got a lot of nerve walking in here after...
Honey, why don't you show this young man some iced tea?
I'll be right back, tiger.
(hissing)
Saw you on...
Weren't you on that TV show?
Yeah. Yeah, that was me.
You're lucky you made it out of there alive.
Yeah. Tobacco used to be all over the television.
Now TV is leading the witch hunt.
Strange business.
Last year, after I was diagnosed,
flew east to attend the annual stockholders' convention.
Stood up and told them I thought
they ought to cut back on their advertising.
You know what your boss said to me?
He said, "We're certainly sorry
"to hear about your medical problem.
"However, without knowing more
"of your medical history,
we can't comment further."
But then they tried to pretend
I never worked for 'em.
Yeah, I got the pay stubs.
But, hell, I was on the damn billboards.
I never even smoked
Marlboro.
I smoked Kools.
You look like a nice-enough fella.
What are you doing working for these assholes?
I'm good at it.
Better at doing this
than I ever was at doing anything else.
Aw, hell, son.
I was good at shooting VC.
I didn't make it my career.
I suppose we all got to pay the mortgage.
Your dad always bring you along like this?
No. I live with my mom.
He tell you why he's here today?
He said that your husband was the Marlboro Man.
(phone rings)
Yeah, well, not anymore.
Hello.
Yeah. Hey, can you hold on a second?
You need anything else, grab it out of the fridge.
So I'm standing here minding my own business,
filling up pill bottles...
So you're here to talk me into shutting up?
That what's in that case of yours?
Yeah, basically.
No, not basically.
That's... that's exactly it.
My dignity ain't for sale.
It's not an offer. It's a gift.
Taxes have all been paid.
You get to keep it no matter what you do.
The idea is that, somehow,
your guilt will prevent you from bad-mouthing us.
Are you supposed to be
telling me all that?
No, sir. Just apologize,
give you the money, and leave.
Why are you telling me this?
Because, this way, you'll take the money.
Why would I do that?
Because you're mad.
Damn straight I am.
The first thing you'll do,
is you'll call the L.A. Times, and CNN...
- Huh? - and insist on Bonnie Carlton.
She does really good
controlled outrage.
Tell them, "No Bonnie, no story."
Watch it on MSNBC.
- Okay. - When they get here,
you open up the case...
and you pour all the cash out onto the floor.
- Why? - Trust me.
It'll look more effective that way.
Don't forget to shake every last bundle out.
If you can, you know, give a cough or two.
Once it's all out on the floor,
tell them what you're going to do with it.
What am I going to do with it?
You're going to donate it.
Yeah. Start the Lorne Lutch Cancer Foundation.
You're going to have a ranch and a fair
and a 5K. A 5K is a must. Television...
Wait a minute.
What about my family?
But, Lorne, you can't keep the money.
Why the hell not?
What do you mean?
Denounce us, and then keep the blood money?
I mean, look at it.
I got to think this over.
Lorne, whoa.
News doesn't work that way.
You can't denounce us next week.
I don't suppose I can denounce you for half of it.
No, Lorne. Either you keep all the money,
or you... you give it all away.
Dad, how did you know
he would take the money?
You'd have to be crazy to turn down all that money.
When I saw he wasn't crazy, I knew he'd take it.
Would you have taken it?
If I were him? Sure.
So would I.
I don't think you understand, sir.
He's like a wild animal.
You'll have to be on your guard at all times.
He has this trick.
Ron, shut up.
I've tangoed with presidents, lawyers and Indian chiefs.
I think I can handle Mr. Nick Naylor.
(clears throat)
DENNIS MILLER: All right, welcome back, kids.
We've got two guests on the show tonight.
First, joining us from our Washington studio...
I must have that tie clip!
...is the senator from the great state of Vermont.
Please welcome Ortolan Finistirre.
Welcome, Senator.
Good to be here, Dennis.
And, joining us here in our Los Angeles studio,
he is the chief spokesperson
for the Academy of Tobacco Studies.
Quite an august chamber, might I add?
- Nick Naylor. Nick, welcome. - Pleasure to be here.
All right, I understand you were on Joan Lunden's show recently.
Didn't make a lot of friends over there, did you?
I will say that I don't think
I'll be getting my annual invitation
to the Finistirre Labor Day Barbecue.
Well, I continue to offer an open invitation to Mr. Naylor
to join us in Congress to talk about the inclusion
of our new poison label which, if I might say...
Nick, ready to trek up the Hill and testify
before Congress?
Well, I'd love to, Dennis, but not as long as the senator
is calling for me to be fired.
It's not exactly a welcome invitation.
Yeah. Bit of a mixed message, Senator.
Well, not as mixed as the stance that Big Tobacco has taken
about the dangers of smoking cigarettes.
- Oh, no. - Now what are you laughing...?
You're a wind-up artist. Give the man his due.
He's got a bit of a point there, doesn't he?
Sorry. I just can't help myself, Dennis.
I... I... I'm just tickled by the idea
of the gentleman from Vermont
calling me a hypocrite when, uh... this same man,
in one day, held a press conference where he called
for the American tobacco fields to be slashed and burned,
then he jumped on a private jet
and flew down to Farm Aid where he rode a tractor onstage
- Oh, come on. - as he bemoaned the downfall of the American farmer.
Care to comment, Senator?
He... I... No.
Eloquent in its brevity.
Emotional issue.
Let's take some phone calls now.
Herndon, Virginia. Go ahead. You're on the show.
MAN: Dennis, has anyone ever announced that they're going
to kill someone live on your show?
My demo's been called quirky but, no, at this point,
we're not skewing to the emotionally unstable.
Then it's your lucky day.
Because I'm here to tell you that, within a week,
we're going to dispatch Mr. Naylor from this planet
for all the pain and suffering he's caused in the world.
(click)
As I said, emotional issue. We're going to break now.
I got to fire a call screener.
Let's go.
(chuckling)
(moans)
This is Nick Naylor telling you kids,
"Don't do drugs, smoke cigarettes."
That's really great.
It's like I'm looking in a mirror.
New idea:
cigarettes for the homeless.
We'll call them "hobos."
(chuckling)
Uh, that's awful.
Any better than "Sector Sixes"?
Right.
Oh, my God, Nick, you're on TV.
(TV playing)
"Lobbyist on the lookout."
You got to be kidding me.
I want to fuck you while I watch you on TV.
And they call me sick.
Hurry.
Before your segment ends.
All right.
Tell me more about Los Angeles, baby.
Huh?
NICK: He says he wants to trail me everywhere,
I said, "Who's paying for it?"
He says the tobacco company's paying for it.
I said, "I don't need a bodyguard."
I'm a man of the people.
Rock on, Kennedy.
Listen, we're all going to need bodyguards soon enough.
Did you see the coverage the fetal alcohol people
got themselves over this weekend?
They made it seem like we were encouraging
pregnant women to drink.
I'm surprised I didn't get kidnapped
on my way to work this morning.
I don't think people from the alcoholic beverage industry
need to worry about being kidnapped just yet.
Pardon me?
Look, I mean,
nothing personal, but tobacco generates
a little more heat than alcohol.
Oh, this is news.
My product puts away 475,000 a year.
Oh, okay, now 475 is a legit number.
Okay, 435,000.
That's 1,200 a day.
How many alcohol-related deaths a year?
- Well, does that... - 100,000 tops?
That's, what, 270 a day?
Wowee.
270 people, a tragedy.
Excuse me if I don't exactly see terrorists getting excited
about kidnapping anyone from the alcohol industry.
- Well, you haven't even - Okay,
- taken into account the number of deaths - let's just
- breathe. - How many gun deaths a year in the U. S?
11,000.
11,000, are you kidding me?
30 a day.
That's less than passenger car mortalities.
No terrorist would bother with either of you.
Okay, look... stupid argument.
I'll say.
I'm sure both of you warrant vigilante justice.
Thank you.
(motor revs)
(tires screech)
(grunting, groaning)
(engine racing, overlapping voices)
Hey... please. Stop... hey.
Who are you guys?
(tires screeching)
GIRL: And freedom means that we can do what we want.
And that's really important.
Because otherwise, we couldn't be free.
And that's why America is the best government in the world.
Whoa, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, no need for that, no need for that.
Whoa, whoa, hey.
Hey, wait.
Can we get a dialogue going here?
Nick, we want you to stop killing people.
So many people.
Half a million people a year in the U.S.
That, there's no data to support that.
Nick... you're not on TV anymore.
Okay, Joey, it's your turn.
Hey!
Nick, how much do you smoke a day?
Hey, what are you doing?
According to the box, each one of those patches
contains 21 milligrams of nicotine.
That's, like, what?
One pack?
Our industry has been working hand in hand with...
Nick! Just listen, all right?
What makes America the best government?
The passion that doesn't exist anywhere in the world.
Says here there are many adverse reactions
from those things.
Let's see, "arrhythmia,
"constipation, dyspepsia,
- "nausea... - My industry does $48 billion in revenue.
pharyngitis, sinusitis..."
Sure you can call it capitalism, a free market,
a celebration of tariff breakdowns...
"dysmenorrhea..."
I don't even want to know what that means.
Hey, look, I guess you could start by, you know,
asking for five million, working your way up from there.
But I don't want any money, Nick.
Well, what do you want?
I mean, I'm all ears here.
I have another word for it-
love.
What does any man want?
The love of a woman,
crisp bacon...
an average life span over 80 years.
Oh, Nick...
(filtered applause)
...you don't look so good.
WOMAN: If you should smell smoke,
please dial zero for the operator.
Before leaving the room, check the door for heat.
Find your nearest emergency exit,
then soak a washcloth and cover your nose and mouth.
Do not remove your washcloth.
Try at all times to avoid breathing in the smoke.
If necessary, crawl on your hands and knees
to avoid the inhalation of smoke.
Do not be alarmed.
There are still no conclusive studies
that link smoking to emphysema.
(machine beeping)
(monotone): You woke up.
NICK: Perhaps a bad choice of inflection.
Is she implying that I could’ve just as easily not?
I was so scared.
Hey, Joey.
(sighs heavily)
What happened?
No nonsmoker could've ever withstood
the amount of nicotine you had in your bloodstream.
Hate to say it, but...
cigarettes saved your life.
Can I quote you on that, doc?
You're a real trooper, my boy.
Hey, Captain,
where are you?
Winston-Salem General.
Damn heart failing me again.
I thought we could be roommates.
Nick, before we get sidetracked,
there is one thing.
All right, don't get all dramatic on me, doc.
You can't smoke.
That's no problem.
I've quit before.
I did during the pregnancy.
How long, you think?
I don't think you understand.
It's a miracle you came out of this alive.
Any smoking- one cigarette-
could put you right back into a paralytic state.
Your body just can't handle it.
Nick, I don't want to put any more pressure on you,
but we got a camera crew waiting out there.
If we want to make the evening news...
You want to unhook me here?
This just goes to prove what I've been saying for so long.
These nicotine patches are just deadly.
Smoking saved my life.
Considering your condition, will you still be able to appear
before Senator Finistirre's subcommittee hearing
on the usage of poison labels on cigarette packaging?
Oh, I think now more than ever
it is imperative that I be there.
Nothing will keep me from testifying.
Fucking kidnapping.
I don't understand, sir.
Aren't we considering the kidnapping a good thing?
Well, he didn't die.
He was almost killed, sir.
That's the point.
Now he looks like a victim, lucky bastard.
The way I heard it, D.C. police found you naked
laying in Lincoln's crotch
covered in nicotine patches with a sign across your chest
- that said... - He doesn't need to hear the details.
It was some pretty fucked up shit.
Shh!
How are you feeling?
I don't know.
First time I'm thinking these cigarettes are pretty dangerous.
You might be right about that.
What are you doing?
It may be small, but it'll do the trick.
One shot, bam.
Listen, Nick is not going to shoot anyone.
Cool.
Yeah, huh?
I mean, uh...
guns are to be treated with respect, you understand that?
You'll make a great father.
Thanks.
(applause)
Hey, there he is!
Hey, he's back!
Hey!
Welcome back.
- You okay? - Great.
Good, 'cause you're booked on all the Sunday talk shows.
For once we got public sympathy on our side.
We can start our own little celebrity victim tour.
I mean, we couldn't have planned this thing better ourselves.
Oh, maybe next time I can lose a lung.
Oh. Uh, I heard the, uh...
Heather Holloway article is coming out tomorrow.
Really?
Yeah, anything I should be worried about?
Uh, yeah, the Cancer Association.
Apparently, they have it in for us.
Fuckers.
What?
I got a call from the paper.
Really? What'd they want?
They wanted the correct spelling of my name and job title.
You didn't tell her about us, did you?
Who?
Heather?
No.
I mean, maybe in passing, I...
In passing.
Oh, God, he fucked her.
I tried to warn you.
Hey, he didn't fuck her. You didn't fuck her, did you?
When?
In passing.
Look, she's a really nice girl.
Oh, God.
We're really fucked.
NICK: "Nick Naylor, lead spokesman for big tobacco,
"would have you believe he thinks cigarettes are harmless.
"But really, he's doing it for the mortgage.
BAILEY: The MOD squad-meaning, of course, merchants of death-
is comprised of Polly Bailey of the Moderation Council
and BobbyJay Bliss
of the gun business's own advisory group, SAFETY.
BLISS: As explained by Naylor, the sole purpose of their meetings
is to compete for the highest death toll
as they compare strategies
on how to dupe the American people.
MEGALL: The film, Message from Sector Six,
would emphasize the sex appeal of cigarettes
in a way that only floating, nude,
copulating Hollywood stars could.
LUTCH: This did not stop Nick from bribing the dying man
with a suitcase of cash to keep quiet on the subject
of his recent lung cancer diagnosis.
JILL: Nick's own son, Joey Naylor, seems to be being groomed
for the job as he joins his father
on the majority of his trips.
(beep)
RECEPTIONIST: I have Heather Holloway on line one.
Heather.
Hey, Nick, what did you think?
Heather, uh... I...
I mean, there's a lot of information in here, Heather,
that is off the record.
You never said anything about off the record.
I presumed anything said while I was inside you was privileged.
Nick...
If you wanted to talk on a plane
or at a movie or over dinner, that would have been fine.
But you wanted to fuck.
That's fine by me.
You used me.
Oh, Nick, come on.
Now we're being children.
Look, we both love our jobs.
I'm just a reporter, and you're just a lobbyist.
How can you do this to me?
For the mortgage.
Bitch.
Whore.
You should have been more careful, Nick.
You've destroyed all the good will created by your kidnapping.
Well, we'll work up a rebuttal.
Heather Holloway isn't the only reporter in town.
No, there isn't going to be any rebuttal.
What do you mean?
Don't talk to anyone.
We're pulling you from the congressional hearing.
No, no, no. You can't pull me from the congressional hearing.
All you'll be doing is giving credence to her article.
I'm ready to testify.
Look, Nick, half of my job is damage control.
Today, that consists
of distancing ourselves from you entirely-
letting you take all the heat on this article.
Your job relied on your ability to keep secrets
and spin the truth.
I just cannot imagine a way
in which you could have fucked up more.
There's just no way I could possibly keep you on staff.
Then I assume you've run this by the captain.
Captain died this morning.
(mellow, jazzy intro plays)
(man singing slowly)
(singing ends)
(beep)
(over answering machine): Mr. Naylor, this is Pete in Security from the Academy.
Your things are waiting for you
at the information kiosk in the lobby.
Look, if you don't pick your stuff up by Friday,
we're instructed to throw it out.
(beep)
Mr. Naylor, this is Special Agent Johnson with the FBI.
Having not found any leads in your kidnapping investigation,
we're going to be handing over the case
to the local D.C. police,
so please refer to them in the future
for any updates and questions.
(beep)
Nick, Jack in Jeff Megall's office.
Jeff really enjoyed meeting you the other day
and he's just... he's torn up about the fact
that you two couldn't find a project to work on.
He's really just... I don't know.
So, listen, but we should hang, at least,
so you drop me a line whenever you're in town.
Uh... my e-mail is, uh...
## [Man Singing]
(knocking on door)
(pounding on door)
Who is it?
JILL: It's me, Nick.
Jill, this is a bad time.
Let me in.
(sighs softly)
No.
I brought someone who needs to talk to you.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, Dad.
Coke in the fridge.
So, this Heather Holloway, she must have been pretty hot.
Yes. She's pretty hot.
Don't take it so hard.
A few flaws can be appealing.
Makes you human.
Who wants to be human?
Well, I know one person
who still thinks you're a God.
Why did you tell that reporter all your secrets?
You're too young to understand.
Mom says it's because you have dependency issues
and it was all just a matter of time
before you threw it all away on some tramp.
Well, that's one theory.
Why are you hiding from everyone?
It has something to do with being generally hated right now.
But it's your job to be generally hated.
It's more complicated than that, Joey.
You're just making it more complicated
so that you can feel sorry for yourself.
Like you always said,
"If you want an easy job, go work for the Red Cross."
You're a lobbyist.
Your job is to be right, and you're the best at what you do.
You're the sultan of spin.
"Sultan of spin"?
Mom subscribes to Newsweek.
Who cares what the Brads
of the world think?
He's not my dad.
You are.
NICK: And right there, looking into Joey’s eyes,
it all came back in a rush.
Why I do what I do- defending the defenseless,
protecting the disenfranchised corporations
that have been abandoned by their very own consumers-
the logger...
the sweatshop foreman...
the oil driller...
the land mine developer...
the baby seal poacher...
Baby seal poacher?
Even I think that's kind of cruel.
All right, you're missing the point.
I must be, because I thought you were apologizing.
I'm getting to that.
When?
Look.
The two of you, you're basically my only friends,
and the last thing that I would ever want to do
would be to hurt you.
And, I can only imagine...
Why are you smiling?
Why is he smiling?
He won a hundred bucks off of you.
I bet Polly you'd spill the beans to that reporter.
That goes against everything that we stand for.
Oh, please! You've ratted us out to some reporter with tits!
Glorious tits.
Only after you created a betting pool testing my incompetence?
Do you have any idea the beating I'm taking at Moderation?
Well, look, I'm sure both of you are under a lot of scrutiny.
You know what? You can stop using the plural.
The guys at Safety actually liked the name "Merchants of Death."
They're gonna have some bumper stickers made up.
I'll make sure you get one.
Thank you.
That is disgusting.
It's American.
Can I have a bite?
Mmm.
So I guess this means
you won't be appearing at Finistirre's subcommittee.
Hmm. I was kind of looking forward to it, too.
It's kind of cool in a Jimmy Stewart sort of way.
More like an Ollie North sort of way.
Finistirre would have torn you a new asshole
in a House of Parliament, no less.
I could have taken him.
- Yeah. - Oh, yeah? What would you have said?
I don't know.
I'd just like him to feel immeasurable pain,
humiliation.
Yeah, well, that would be kind of tough.
I mean, he's already a Senator.
(chuckles)
I mean, how would you get back in even if you wanted to?
Uh-oh.
You're not gonna like this.
(reporters clamoring)
Hello. Thanks very much for coming.
First of all, I'd like to say a few words
to all the people who are mentioned
in the recent newspaper article.
Please take comfort in knowing
that I will not rest until your names are cleared.
This experience has taught me an important lesson-
having sexual affairs with members of the press
is just unfair.
It's not unfair to me, mind you,
but to all the people in my life whose only crime is knowing me.
It was your names, not mine, that suffered
from a meaningless affair with a seductress
in the form of a young brunette Washington reporter
whose name I won't mention
because I have dignity.
(reporters clamoring)
Mr. Naylor!
Are you still planning on testifying
at tomorrow's subcommittee hearing on tobacco?
I'm glad you asked that question.
There have been wide accusations of me dropping out of tomorrow's hearing.
Let it be known
that unless Senator Finistirre has withdrawn my invitation
- to speak, it is my plan - It's called a subpoena.
to be in Congress tomorrow to share my knowledge
of big tobacco and all those who enjoy its products.
Thank you very much. I'll see you tomorrow.
(all clamoring)
(TV shuts off)
(phone rings)
(cacophony of phones ringing)
(indistinct, distorted roaring and shutters clicking)
Still feel like Jimmy Stewart?
Good.
(beeping)
(electronic squealing)
Why don't you all go ahead?
This could be a while.
(electronic squealing continues)
If we could, um... if we could take our seats, please.
(clears throat)
Gentlemen, ladies.
If I may call this meeting to order.
We'll do everything we can to keep things brief and concise
so that we can all get out of here on time.
The skull and crossbones means one thing:
Poison.
Thus, the message is quite clear.
Like any other product that carries the branding,
if you take it, you will die.
Yes, but isn't this overkill?
Why don't we just use words, as we currently do?
Something that describes the dangers of cigarette smoking.
Well, the American public is not affected
by masthead anymore.
They need images.
We've done studies which show that consumers react
up to 80% more to imagery rather than words.
The stats are there.
It's just sad
that the Academy of Tobacco Studies did not release
this type of information earlier.
When you say the Academy of Tobacco Studies,
you're referring to...
Yes.
to the coalition...
Yes, the coalition.
The big... big tobacco...
...that is represented by...
By, um...
And specifically
Mr...
Um...
Mr., uh, Nick Naylor.
Nick Naylor?
Thank you very much.
WITNESS: The current use
of words instead of imagery
is an obvious move against the non-English-speaking population
of the United States.
The skull and crossbones
speak loudly in all languages.
By not using it, they're saying
they want those who can't read English to die.
Hmm. Senor Herrera,
could you clarify "they"?
NICK: Let it be known,
the public beating has not gone out of style.
Nick Naylor, please step forward.
You go sit with him.
Please state your name, address and current occupation.
My name is Nick Naylor.
I live at 6000 Massachusetts Avenue
and I am currently unemployed,
but until recently, I was the vice president
of the Academy of Tobacco Studies.
Mr. Naylor,
as vice president of the Academy
of Tobacco Studies, what was required of you?
What did you do?
I informed the public of all the research performed
in the investigation on the effects of tobacco.
Mm-hmm, and what,
so far, has the Academy concluded
in their investigation into the effects of tobacco?
Well, many things, actually.
Why, just the other day they uncovered evidence
that smoking can offset Parkinson's disease.
(amused buzz)
I'm sure the health community
is thrilled.
Mr. Naylor, who provides the financial backing
for the Academy of Tobacco Studies?
Uh... Conglomerated Tobacco.
That's the cigarette companies.
For the most part, yes.
Do you think that...
might affect their priorities?
No, just as I'm sure
campaign contributions don't affect yours.
Ohh.
(all laughing)
Senators, Mr. Naylor is not here to testify on the goings-on
of the Academy of Tobacco Studies.
We're here to examine the possibility
of a warning logo on cigarettes.
Now, Mr. Naylor,
I have to ask you, out of formality,
do you believe that smoking cigarettes, over time,
can lead to lung cancer and other respiratory conditions
such as emphysema?
Yes.
In fact, I think you'd be hard-pressed
to find someone who really believes
that cigarettes are not potentially harmful.
I mean, show of hands, who out here thinks
- that cigarettes aren't dangerous... - Mr. Naylor.
There's no need for theatrics.
Sir, I just don't see the point in a warning label for something people already know.
The warning symbol
is a reminder, a reminder of the dangers of smoking cigarettes.
Well, if we want to remind people of danger,
why don't we slap a skull and crossbones
on all Boeing airplanes,
Senator Lothridge?
And all Fords, Senator Dupree?
That is ridiculous.
The death toll from airline and automobile accidents
doesn't even skim the surface of cigarettes.
They don't even compare.
Oh, this from a senator who calls Vermont home.
I don't follow you, Mr. Naylor.
Well, the real
demonstrated number one killer in America is cholesterol,
and here comes Senator Finistirre,
whose fine state is, I regret to say,
clogging the nation's arteries with Vermont cheddar cheese.
(audience murmuring)
If we want to talk numbers, how about the millions of people
dying of heart attacks.
Perhaps Vermont cheddar
should come with a skull and crossbones.
That is lud...
The great state of Vermont
will not apologize for its cheese.
Mr. Naylor,
we are here to discuss cigarettes.
Not planes, not cars- cigarettes.
Now, as we discussed earlier, these warning labels
are not for those who know, but rather for those who don't know.
(sighs)
What about the children?
Gentlemen...
it's called education.
It doesn't come off the side of a cigarette carton.
It comes from our teachers,
and more importantly, our parents.
It is the job of every parent
to warn their children of all the dangers of the world,
including cigarettes, so that one day, when they get older,
they can choose for themselves.
I look at my... son
who...
was kind enough to come with me today,
and I can't help but think
that I am responsible for his growth
and his development.
And I'm proud of that.
Well, having said that,
would you condone him smoking?
Well, of course not. He's not 18.
That would be illegal.
(chuckling)
Yes, I-I heard you deliver that line on 20-20,
but enough dancing.
What are you going to do when he turns 18?
Come on, Mr. Naylor.
On his 18th birthday, will you share a cigarette with him?
Will you spend a lovely afternoon,
like one of your ludicrous cigarette advertisements?
You seem to have a lot to say
about how we should raise our children.
What of your own?
What are you going to do
when he turns 18?
If he really wants a cigarette, I'll buy him his first pack.
(audience mutters softly)
Thank you for your testimony, Mr. Naylor. You're excused.
I'll meet you outside, okay?
Great.
Well done, my boy.
Were you in the same room as me?
The whole personal choice thing?
They ate that shit up.
(laughing): Just checked the whip count.
That bill is going down in flames.
Your speech was unorthodox, but you did it, boy.
You crushed the fucker.
That's good news for you guys.
Oh. Whoa, whoa.
We're still a team, right?
What about damage control?
Look, Nick.
Winston-Salem is ready to do whatever it takes
to keep you onboard.
(crowd clamoring)
Nick, will you continue fighting for cigarettes?
Of course he will.
This man here is our general.
We're not just gonna let him retire.
REPORTER: Is that correct, Nick?
You're sticking with tobacco?
NICK: Now, I know what you're probably thinking.
What a great opportunity for me
to teach Joey how to use leverage against
a backstabbing boss.
But I actually meant what I said about responsibility.
Some things are just more important
than paying a mortgage.
So I did the only responsible thing I could.
I turned down the job.
And my timing couldn't have been better.
Within a few months, the cigarette companies
settled with the American smoker
to the tune of $246 billion.
And the Academy of Tobacco Studies
was permanently dismantled.
For the first time in decades,
BR found himself out of work.
Otherwise, not much has changed.
The MOD squad still meets every week.
Nice.
We even added a few new members.
The things I could learn from you, BobbyJay.
POLLY: Right.
BOBBYJAY: Stick around. Stick around.
Senator Finistirre is still fighting for his causes.
What do you say to the people who claim
you are destroying cinema classics?
Mmm, no. All we're doing
is using digital technology
to tastefully update movies of the past...
by removing cigarettes.
I believe that if these stars were alive today,
they would agree that we're doing the right thing.
But, in essence, aren't you changing history?
No, I think we're improving history.
Even Heather is still reporting.
The whole town has been evacuated.
They're calling this the storm of the century.
Not much changes at all.
And this year's Foggy Bottom Debating Society Champion is...
Joey Naylor.
- Yay! - Yay!
NICK: Joey!
POLLY: Joey!
NICK: Joey, Joey!
That's my boy.
Hold it up. Hold it up.
(Polly whooping)
And me?
Well, there's still a place for guys like me.
So, be straight with me.
Is it true?
- It could be. - Come on.
We know of very few cases.
There's no scientific proof at all.
There was an unfortunate incident out in Iowa...
It's really a complicated situation.
NICK: Gentlemen,
practice these words in front of the mirror.
"Although we are constantly exploring the subject,
"currently, there is no direct evidence
"that links cell phone usage
to brain cancer."
(relieved sigh)
Michael Jordan plays ball.
Charles Manson kills people.
I talk.
Everyone has a talent.
(men singing folk)
(man singing folk)
(men singing folk)
(man singing folk)
(men singing folk)
(man singing folk)
(men singing folk)
(singing ends)